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As a Mother, How do I Tell My Children I Have Breast Cancer?

August 1, 2009 by Michael Lacqua  

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As a mother how do I--Woman with pink ribbonWomen diagnosed with breast cancer have many decisions to make. As a Plastic and Reconstructive surgeon, I frequently meet in consultation with women who have unfortunately been diagnosed with this disease. As part of their treatment they will be having a mastectomy, and are seeking information about breast reconstruction. There are a variety of reconstructive options available, including the type of reconstruction and the timing of reconstruction, all with different advantages and disadvantages. The information we provide helps them make an informed decision.

Reconstruction is just one of the major decisions a woman with breast cancer faces. Many women confide that they also struggle with the decision of whether or not to tell their children about their cancer. Do I tell the children? When do I tell them? How do I tell them? How will the news affect them? These are all questions women with cancer have. Though not a child psychologist, I have been talking to breast reconstruction patients for over a decade. I am also the father of four children, and therefore have insight into these women’s concerns as well as how children think and what affects them.

The issue is complex and there is probably not one right or wrong way to speak to children about this very difficult and sensitive issue. This is probably true of most complicated family issues or circumstances especially those affecting the health of one or both parents. Most children can handle being told about a cancer diagnosis better than we think or give them credit for. Children are very perceptive. They will realize soon enough that something is wrong or different about Mom.

Children thrive on security and stability and feeling comfortable within the family. Sensing something is wrong and not understanding why could be more devastating to a child than the reality. The unknown would clearly lead to a greater heightening of fears instead of alleviating them. All the more reason for mothers to provide their children with first hand information in the same loving and caring way she always has. Hearing it directly from Mom also avoids any miscommunication or misinformation that may arise. And remember that no one knows your children better than you do and therefore only you truly know the best way to communicate this information to your children.

If you are a mother diagnosed with breast cancer, follow these tips when considering telling your children about you diagnosis:

1. Decide to have the conversation.

The first few words may not be perfect, but by beginning the conversation about your diagnosis, you take the very important first step in helping your children and yourself deal with your cancer. It doesn’t have to be perfect the first time. There will be many more chances as days pass for you to fine tune your message.

2. Gather your thoughts.

Confer with your spouse, minister, or school counselor to plan your approach. Take some time to prepare yourself, but try not to over think things. Trust your instincts. Just be yourself and speak naturally. Show emotion, even cry, but remain positive. Also decide if you would like to have someone there with you- your spouse or perhaps a grandparent- and pick your time carefully -not during a hectic part of the day or when you or your family may feel rushed.

3. Consider your child’s age and development.

Most child experts recommend speaking to children separately based on these factors. With pre-schoolers, be brief and keep things simple, talking about symptoms they may notice. Grade-school children often have a good understanding of the human body and a discussion about cancer cells versus normal cells is often a good place to start. Provide more details about your treatment.

Teenagers usually have a very good understanding about cancer, having seen other relatives or friends with a cancer diagnosis. It’s important to explain that there are many different types of cancers all with different prognoses. This group will have the most questions, show the most emotion, and need the most reassurance. With all age groups, be sure to stress to the children that it is nothing that they did that caused you to have cancer and that the cancer is not contagious.

4. Remember that this conversation is just the first of many dialogues you will have.

Realize that some conversations will be better than others. Don’t let the fear of not knowing the perfect thing to say prevent you from talking with your children. Speak to them frequently, being sure to tell them that your treatment and prognosis is an ongoing matter, and that you will keep them up to date. Encourage them to ask questions. Be honest with them.

5. Reach out to existing resources.

You aren’t the first mother to go through this issue. There are organizations to help you and your family. Some of them are listed below.

About the Author: Dr. Michael J. Lacqua completed his Plastic Surgery training at the University of Missouri, Kansas City before returning to his hometown of New York. He is the Chief, Division of Plastic Surgery, at Richmond University Medical Center, Staten Island, NY.

To help those of you dealing with this issue, here’s a list of additional resources:

Online Resources:

Books:


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